Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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