I think scott just propositioned me for sex
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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