I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
