I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
