He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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