Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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