Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
