between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
