if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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