it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
