On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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