my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
