Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
