seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
