i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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