When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
