i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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