quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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