Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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