Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
