The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
