I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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