this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
