Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
