Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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