The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
