Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
