seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
