Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
