are you so shy because you have an std?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
