Sry I called you an 8
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
