the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
