I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
