How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
