I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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