I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
