the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
