I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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