Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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