You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
