I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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