it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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