I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
