I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
