I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
