pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
