I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
