last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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