So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
