after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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