4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
